Sephiroth's Killer Theme
by Mandilla Rexx
Summary: Insane story featuring Sephiroth, Cloud and Cid, the Final Fantasy Unlimited version! Random adventures, including conquering a strange new land called Burger Palace! NEW Canon Characters!: Vincent Valentine, SHM. R&R Please!
1. Chapter 1: Killer Theme

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the FFVII characters OR FFU characters. (Tho' I wish I kinda did.) I meant no harm to the creators by making this stupid little character parody, and I thank them for sexy, godlike Sephiroth. (You'll get that last part in a bit. Read on...)

"NOOOOO!" Cloud Strife bellowed as Sephiroth drew closer, kicking Cloud's last sword away.

Sephiroth face was twisted in an evil grin as he snapped his fingers. A giant boombox plummeted from the heavens and began playing….

"Estuans interius, ira vehementi," the choir thundered, cymbals crashing in the background.

"NOOOOO!" Cloud wailed, covering his ears. "Not… THAT… th-th-theme…" He shriveled up in a ball as the voices of the chorale grew louder… Paul Bettany waved, smiling stupidly… and then… (Yes, it gets worse.)

"ORANGE MAN!" Sephiroth shouted, pointing at the sky. Cid was yelling with all his might as he fell from the aircraft.

"F-F-U DOESN'T MEAN I SWEAR!" Cid (FFU version) shrieked in song as he plunged to the ground, making a heck of a large hole in the battlefield.

"I LIVE!" he declared, rising from his burrow. Cloud jumped up, and started dancing chibi-ishly. (You gotta see The Cloud Songto understand this. Trust me!)

Cough-cough

"Cloud, I'm here to _SAVE_ you!" Cid cried, glomping Sephiroth defensively. Cloud and Sephiroth sweatdropped, eyes narrowed.

"Pathetic froggish being," Sephiroth spat, "release me now or suffer a fate worse than a Bloo-Bah marathon."

Since Cid had not let go, with a flick of his finger, Sephiroth threw the blonde machinist off his sexy, godlike form (his and my thoughts exactly ) and against a statue that had been randomly moved there.

"WHY ARE WE FIGHTING!" Cloud roared over Sephiroth's theme song that was coming painfully slow to the ending.

Sephiroth sweatdropped then looked about curiously, shrugging.

"I dunno… HEY! LET'S FIGHT OVER THIS BUG!" he exclaimed, bending down to point out a purplish-brown beetle that scuttled across the cracked ground.

"MY BUG!" Cid cried, popping out of the ground. Sephiroth fell over, puffing fearfully as his eyes widened.

"GLORIOSA SEPHIROOOTH!" the chorus sang triumphantly.

Cloud started snickering, then burst out in laughter.

"You shoulda seen the look on your face!" he cackled, walking over to Sephiroth with his giant sword. Cloud acted as if he was going to console the sexy, godlike villain, but instead, whacked him upside the head with his blade, causing him to squish the bug and fall. This action only made Cloud bubble with glee even more, nearly choking on his laughter. "You... bug... Squish... HAHAHAHAAA!" he cried, dying of laughter.

Cid sat there, confused at whom to save. Sephiroth was now strangling Cloud, Homer Simpson style, and Cloud was waving frantically at Cid, trying to get his help. Cid smiled a toothy, stupid grin and waved back.

"HIIIIIII CLOUD!" he bellowed. (Note: he's sitting right next to them... yeah... 0.o;)

Sephiroth turned to him, dropping the now blue Cloud Strife.

"Do you know the Muffin Man?" he asked quietly.

It was Cid's turn to sweatdrop. "Wha?"

"Do. You. Know. THE-MUFFIN-MAN!" he repeated, a bit louder.

"CLOUD! SEPHIROTH'S SCARING ME!" Cid cried, diving behind the now unconscious Cloud, who flopped helplessly.

"I'm not scary, I'm SEXEH!" Sephiroth declared, striking the _'2 bishie 4 u'_ pose. (Again, you need to see The Cloud Song to understand.)


	2. Chapter 2: O Spudly One

Suddenly, there was a bright light that blinded the three men (like I can call them that). When Sephiroth opened his eyes, he saw a sign that said:

**THE BURGER PALACE**

"Wha?" he asked aloud. Cloud popped his head out of a pile of potatoes, and flopped over, dizzy.

"Hey, Cid, where are we?" Cloud asked, afraid.

Cid popped out of the hamburger bun container, crumbs stuck in his blonde-ish hair. He pondered Cloud's question for a few minutes then got out of the barrel.

"We seem to have been transported to an alternate universe that worships burgers and potatoes," Cid concluded, slamming his fist in his other hand. Cloud poked at a fryer.

"I don't like potatoes," Sephiroth complained, "I like muffins." He shook his fist at the florescent lights of the ceiling, shouting, "DARN YOU ALTERNATE UNIVERSE! WHY CAN'T YOU WORSHIP MUFFINS LIKE A NORMAL UNIVERSE DOES!"

Suddenly, Tiffa stormed in dressed in the worker's uniform.

"Cloud!" she exclaimed. "THERE you are! Listen, everyone wants fries, so you better get crackin'! We need those French Fries!"

Cloud blinked. "Okay."

As Tiffa left the room, a potato flew at Sephiroth, nailing him in the back of the head and causing him to fall over. He stood up; cursing at the object that had rudely thrown itself at him.

The potato started to charge at him once more, when Cloud sliced it into pieces. Several more flew at the trio, and each one was sliced into thin strips.

"YAY! French fries!" Cid cheered, dancing around. Then, the lights dimmed, and a giant potato floated slowly out of the pile. "GAH! THE QUEEN POTATO! IT SEES US!" he shrieked, flapping his arms.

"It doesn't look very happy," Sephiroth noted, trying to look smart.

"It doesn't look mad or sad either!" Cid added, cowering behind the supervillian, who really didn't seem to care at the moment that someone was against his sexy, godlike body without his permission.

"QUEEN POTATO, YOU SHALL BE DEFEATED!" Cloud screeched, flailing himself at the spud.

The potato immediately dodged his attack, and threw the potato skinners at him. Cloud hit the ground with a thud, at Sephiroth and Cid's feet.

"AHA! I rein victorious!" the Queen Potato (and Sephiroth) declared triumphantly. "I have defeated you, Cloud Strife!"

"Defeat the spudly evil, Sephi-chan… you too, Cid," Cloud whispered, ignoring Sephiroth's last remark. He fell unconscious as the potato threw one of the minion potatoes in his mouth. "Mrph."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Cid cried, falling to his knees. Another spud-minion threw itself at him, but he dodged it, Matrix style. It smashed into the wall, splattering everywhere.

"I think something's wrong with Cloud-kun, Cid," Sephiroth said, puzzled. "He's bleeding ketchup… and icky cheese."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO—" Cid shrieked, taking a breath, "—OOOOOOOOOOOO! NOT THE **BLEU** CHEESE VIRUS! It will kill us all, one by one!"

Cid turned to the Queen Potato, tears flooding his eyes. "Is this part of your master plot, O Spudly One! Infect Cloud with the Bleu Cheese virus and kill him off slowly with the eerie make-you-wanna-throw-up stench! IS IT!"


	3. Chapter 3: The EVIL Tempts Us

Cloud sat up, awakened by the smell of Burger Palace's hamburgers and greasy French fries. He looked around to see Sephiroth and Cid, dressed in worker's uniforms, slicing the Queen Potato up and throwing her in the fryer.

"She's dead?" he asked incredulously, skeptical that Sephiroth and Cid, especially the FFU version, could defeat an evil potato.

"Yep."

"Is she?" Sephiroth asked, his eyes wide. His hair was in a hairnet, because Tifa came in and yelled at him for having all this hair in people's onion rings.

Ewwww….

"YES," Cid said loudly, slicing down on the table with the big blade. There was a sickening squishy noise, and everyone looked down to see…

"OMIGOD, I'M SO SORRY, VINCE!!!!" Cid shrieked, excavating the blade from Vincent Valentine's head. Vincent looked genuinely irked, and looked up at Cid in repulsion.

"Gimme back my cape, stupid."

"YOU'RE BLEEDING ALL OVER THE FRENCH FRIES!!!!" Cid screeched again, waving the knife around. Sephiroth dodged his blind attacks with ease, then picked up Vincent and gave him a hug.

"Someone is feeling quite ill today!" Sephiroth sang, swinging the gory Vincent back and forth on the cutting board.

"LEGGO!!!" Vincent roared. Sephiroth let go and hid behind Cloud. "THIS IS BETWEEN ORANGE-MAN AND ME!!!"

"Hey, Vince, where's your cape?!" cloud asked quizzically after examining his friend.

"HE HAS IT!!!"

"Jeez, okay! No need for shouting."

"I'll NEVER give it back!" Cid announced, throwing Vincent's cape upon his shoulders. It looked pretty silly, since Cid was also wearing his goggles and a Burger Palace paper hat.

"NO, CID! DON'T GO TO THE DARK SIDE!!!!" Cloud pleaded, knowing what Cid's defiance would bring.

"This calls for my…." Sephiroth stated slowly, "SUPER KAMEHAMEHA WAVE!!! KA-ME-HA-ME-HA!!!!!!!"

He struck the pose, hands thrust out with his palms pressing against each other, and a poof of smoke escaped his palms.

"Oh well. I tried," he shrugged, and went back to cutting up the Queen Potato.

"SMOKE BOMB!!!" Cid shrieked, throwing an egg to the ground. Confetti sprung up, and Cid dashed out the door while Vincent, Cloud and Sephiroth watched the confetti fall gently to the ground.

"You guys know what this means, right?" Vincent said quietly.

"More French fries?" Sephiroth asked fearfully.

"No," Cloud replied. "Cid is going to join Darth Vader and his E.V.I.L. squad. We gotta stop him!"

"CAPTAIN PLANET!!!!!" Vincent shouted, wiping blue paint across his face. "SAVE THE EARTH, OR I'LL KILL YOU!!!"

"SUPERHEROES, UNITE!!!"

"What about me?" Sephiroth complained.

"Fine…" Cloud sighed, exasperated. "Superheroes AND Supervillians… UNITE!!!!!"

**What will become of Cid?!**

… **Who really cares? But I promise, Darth Vader will make a cameo.**

**If I ever finish writing stuff.**


	4. Chapter 4: Angsting & Delayed Flashbacks

"OH MY GOD!!!!" Cloud suddenly shrieked, pointing at the villainous god.

"WHAT?! WHAT?!" he shrieked back, afraid he had caught the deadly Bleu Cheese virus.

"You have BLEU CHEESE in your HAIR!!!" he wailed. "we're doomed… doomed, doomed, doomed…"

While Cloud chanted his 'doomed' rant, Vincent sat quietly, angsting as Sephiroth howled, flailing around as he ran back and forth.

"Damn scientist stole my cape."

"What?" the other two FFVII characters asked in unison, blinking in confusion.

"Cid stole my frickin' cape!!!!" he angst, louder so that the stupid flashback people would take a hint.

Oh. That's me. Sorry. ;;

CUE FLASHBACK!!!!

"_I like your cape, Vince."_

_Vincent Valentine turned to see Cid's shadowy figure, smirking , his goggles down upon his face._

"_I like it too."_

_There was a tense silence, then Cid jumped out of the shadows and glomped Vincent._

"_Where'd ya buy it?" Cid asked, his body wriggling like a puppy's after he pounced on Vincent, much to his horror. _

"_Uh… Wal-Mart?" he suggested, his face clearly lying._

"_YAY! I go there every week! I'll find one, just you see, Tifa!" Cid said, fire burning in his pupils._

_**LATER**…_

"_IT WASN'T THERE!!!" Cid shrieked, trying to strangle Vincent. "LIAR, LIAR, PLANTS ON FIRE!!!"_

"_GAH!!" Vincent screamed, trying to run away._

_RRRIP._

_Cid had ripped Vincent's cape, resulting in him taking Vince by surprise and undoing his cape, running away with it._

"_NOOOOO!!!!!" Vincent yowled, dropping to his knees…_

"NOOOOO!!!!!" Vincent yowled, dropping to his knees.

"Uh, Vince, we get it," Sephiroth said, combing out the bleu cheese that was tangled in his silvery hair.

"Oh, sorry. Flashback really got to me," he apologized, grinning and standing up again.

"Uhm… aren't you supposed to be angsting right now over your cape?" Cloud questioned, looking dazed, as he usually did.

"SHUT UP, HAIR CEMENT BOY!!!" Vincent bellowed at Cloud, whose bottom lip quivered.

"There, there, Cloud-kun. Vince didn't mean to scare you," Sephiroth comforted, patting Cloud on the head. "OW! What kind of hair cement do you USE, boy? Feels like a thousand frickin' needles up top!!!"

OMG. Cloud DOES use hair cement! Gasps and… I lied. NEXT chapter, Darth Vader makes a cameo. PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!!! grovels 

**Well… that's all I have for today. See you cats later. Thumbs up and winks**


	5. Chapter 5: The Interrogation

**Disclaimer**: You know the drill. I don't own anyone from the FF world.

**AN**: SORRY::grovels:: It's taken so long just to get back my wackiness, and I couldn't think of a plot line for Cid. Ah well. I have a bf now::dances:: this isn't the BEST chapter yet, but it's pretty funny. Enjoy your last ounce of sanity!

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Meanwhile, Cid had gone to the secret headquarters of E.V.I.L. to meet with his new comrades.

Darth Vader sat upon a garish throne, his breathing heavier than usual. He had a cold.

A very, very bad cold.

"WHO AWE YOO?!" he thundered nasally, sniffling occasionally.

"My name is Cid Cornelius the XII, and I want to join the dark side!" he answered back earnestly, wringing his goggles in his hands.

"Awe yoo just joinin' to geh cookies?" Darth Vader asked suspiciously, leaning forward. He sneezed, and grabbed another Kleenex.

"Cookies?!" Cid cried out enthusiastically, looking around for the delectable, chewy treats. "Hot dog!"

Everyone in the room glared at him. A cricket chirped somewhere.

"Uh…" he stuttered, "I mean, no… But now I want the cookies too! Are they free with membership?"

"Of course not!" Darth Vader shouted triumphantly. Cid withered. "But I guess we can make an exception. You WERE a good guy, after all, and it takes a real bad guy to be a good guy and then cross over to the dark… wait…"

Darth Vader tried to figure out his statement by writing it down, and after finding nothing but nonsense and scribbles written down, he gave up.

"Role call!" he declared, trying to forget about his folly. He then proceeded to take out a giant rainbow colored clipboard with a peace sign on the back that was horribly mangled, and had "E.V.I.L." written atop it. "Naraku?"

"Present," Naraku answered, filing his nails, bored. Darth Vader made a great show of checking off his name.

"Orochimaru?"

"Here."

"Okay… Darth Vader… Hehe… I'm here…" he muttered gleefully to himself. "Alright, Debora?"

"Can I go now?"

"… You're here. Queen of Hearts?"

"Of COURSE I'm here, you gothic imbecile! I'm here EVERY meeting! OFF WITH YOUR BLOODY HEAD—"

"Yeesh. Gollum?"

"Currently attending to bathroom needs, sir," a guard answered for him.

"Well, he better wash his hands," Darth Vader shuddered. "How 'bout… Malik?"

"Here. I think." Malik poked at himself to make sure he wasn't holographic. "Yep! I'm here!"

"O-kay. And last… Raoul DeChagny?"

There was no answer.

"Raoul? MONSIEUR LE FOP?!"

"The flowerpot was talking, Mr. Darth Vader sir," Raoul said in hushed tones, sitting next to a lovely salmon colored vase with pink daisies in them. He looked up at the Sith lord in horror. "It was calling my name for roll call and calling me a fop!!!"

"That was me, Raoul."

"Oh. Here!" Raoul said happily, waving at the rest of the assembly.

"Please welcome our newest member, Cid Cornelius the XII from _Final Fantasy Unlimited_."

"Hello, Cid," the villains chorused.

Darth Vader glared through his black helmet.

"Interrogation time!" he called out suddenly. "Cid, why did you decide to join E.V.I.L.?"

"Vincent Valentine's cloak."

"Aha. Good reason."

Cid grinned proudly.

Just then, his (former?) friends burst into the headquarters.

"CID!!!" Sephiroth groveled. "COME BACK!!!"

**Icky ending.**

**Ah well.**


	6. Chapter 6: Shannon the Snowman

**Disclaimer**::sigh:: Ye know the drill. I don't own anything I usually write about.

**AN**: WOO!!! Kadaj, you are my hero, along with that biker-dude with the feather in his hat I saw in Wal-Mart today. I'm getting into Advent Children now, so… beware. Random shampoo jokes to ensue.

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"WAIT!" another voice rang out from behind the Legion of Superheroes/Villains.

"GOD! Does this entourage not END?!" Darth Vader asked irritated.

Out of the smoke from the bricks, that Cloud had knocked down, came the three brothers…

Kadaj, Yazoo, and Loz.

"SEPHIROTH!!!" Kadaj greeted happily, glomping his elder brother. "You really DIDN'T die!"

"You're still ALIVE?" Sephiroth returned, disgusted.

"since, we're now apart of the Legion of Superheroes/Villains AND the Jenova Witnesses, we must defeat Darth Vader!!!" Kadaj declared, grinning evilly.

"quick, someone summon something!" Sephiroth cried, getting a bit excited now.

"COME TO ME, SHANNON THE SNOWMAN!!!" Cloud cried.

A drift of snow flurried into the room, with an evil looking snowman with a rifle.

"SHANNON," the snowman grumbled, his coal eyes gleaming.

"Shannon likes blood," Cloud explained to his bewildered friends.

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**I promise this isn't the final thing. I'll add to the chapter, or else this is the shortest chapter I've ever written. STUPID WRITER'S BLOCK::throws things at her reflection::**


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